14th March 2021 - Session 5 - The Ongoing Battle to Protect the Town - Sally

We open mid-battle. Graupple & Bearnabus are fighting with two goblins. Orcs are attacking/running towards the outer wall. Elf scouts have arrived ahead of an elf army.

Goblin battle

Bearnabus is trying on his bear suit for the first time, Grauple is on a horse being a speedy bastard. The rest of the horses are grazing because they’re hungry alright?! The pronunciation of Grauple remains a mystery to many but the horses seem to know something we don’t… The GM deeply regrets giving the players control of the horses.. chaos commences. The horse fuckery becomes too much, and it is mutually decided that a purple aura means ‘I am on a horse’. The goblin’s names are Hogo and Tot – that’s important for their gravestones later because let’s face it.. it’s a goddamn bear. Predictably, Bearnabus instantly murders the goblins. Grauple heads to the gap in the wall, Bearnabus heads to the main gate.

Main gate

Kella & Xolkin & Dipple are up towers. Evermeet Elf scouts are arriving (Dipple is Evermeet and knows the secret handshake that definitely existed prior to this moment). Wood elves have beef with the elf-ear collecting orcs. They just want to kill the orcs, and were pretty irked by Nightstone’s history & behaviour because Lady Nandor hunts in the forest but she’s dead now so everyone’s good with just attacking the orcs. The scouts’ name is Rond Arahome. Dipple O’Mata talks with him and coordinates a plan, making the faux pas of not asking his name. Rude.   

Orc fighting commences at the main gate and at the gap in the wall. Dipple tells the bandits not to shoot the elves, Kella & Xolkin finish killing an orc and head to the keep. The elf army arrives, killing orcs like it’s an easter egg hunt and also head towards the keep. Orcs are heading towards the less steep walls of the keep.

Ceala, Xolkin & the bandits keep killing from the towers. Then they leave the towers (plot twist) gleefully ignoring Dipple’s instructions. The group of elves & the elf scouts continue attacking the orcs trying to climb over the town walls as they all move towards the keep.

The army of elves continues to mooch towards the keep, taking time to take in the scenery. Dipple fails to hit orcs with firebolts and runs erratically around a field.

The Gap^TM

Kin & Dunbarr are fighting at the gap in the wall. They discuss hydration methods and Dunbarr gets in a plug for Woodies for which he’ll get 5% commission on all water bottles sold. The fighting seems to increase the level of Scottish in Dunbarr’s accent. The guards nod and smile but only kind of understand Dunbarr. Some guards go to the keep, some stay fighting the gap. Bearnabus dashes towards the gap to help, Prittstick (the flying cat) is strangely cool with Bearnabus turning into a bear because she’s chill and non-judgemental like that...

The orcs at the gap get up the hill much to Sharpie’s delight. Sharpie & the guards attack. Sharpie is successful and the guards are pretty inept with their spears. Kin’s there too! (well remembered, author) and he also attacks the ascending orcs. In manly circliness, Sharpie slays some orc dinner.

Bearnabus arrives at the gap and without context to Dunbarr & Kin, kills an orc. Bearnabus waves at his teammates in an ‘I’m cool, don’t worry’ kind of way but hasn’t quite figured out opposable bear thumbs yet.

The fancy orc lets out a war cry and enthuses the orcs. The orcs attack and kill a guard in one go. They are all powered up. An orc attacks Dunbarr and he gets 15 damage but is still alive. Kin attacks. Bearnabus bites the well-dressed orc but misses with his claw.

Dunbarr heals himself with 10 points somehow! Enthused by his recent health gain and using pirouettey magic, Dunbarr & Sharpie absolutely kill it and murder an orc whose friends and family will dearly miss him. RIP.

The well-dressed orc attacks Bearnabus and does 15 damage. Kin swoops in to attack it but misses! Bearnabus kills the fancy orc because frankly, he doesn’t like his attitude. Then he bites his mate for good measure. Dunbarr seems joyful at the growing pile of dead orc bodies and kills the last orc at the Gap^TM

The Keep

* Fun fact! The walls of the keep don’t have spikes, the walls of the town do have spikes. *

After the goblin battle, Grauple runs on horse towards the bridge to the Keep.

The sun catches Grauple’s horses fluff as it majestically hops the gap in the bridge. Who needs ladders?! Grauple suddenly has sunglasses on! The keep is pet-friendly and has a big ol door so Grauple stays on the horse while going into the keep and just like groups of tourists on Dame Street, will take up the full width of the footpath.

The well-dressed orc at the Keep lets out a war cry and it enthuses the orcs. They are working together to breach the wall of the keep.

Grauple and her horse go up the ramp, as unfortunately, it cannot fly. She gets to the wall as they are climbing over and uses a javelin to attack them, impeding their climbing progress. The guards, who famously have shorter legs than horses, and are just a bit all round shit at guarding, stay in the tower of the keep and throw spears at the orcs climbing. They don’t hit the orcs. Everyone is embarrassed for them.

An orc breaches the wall. Not cool, orc.

Grauple is raging now. She mauls the orc that breached the wall to near-death.

At the end, Kin, Bearnabus and Dunbarr are at the orc-less gap. The elf scouts & army are at the keep on the other side of the river. Dipple is en route to the keep to help Grauple. Grauple & horse are still on the footpath at the Keep walls, keeping orcs at bay. The town is safe but we don’t know what’s happening at the main gates or where Cealla, Xolkin or the bandits are. An orc chief at the gap (formerly referred to as fancy orc) is dead. We can rob his axes and spears. Dunbarr robs 7 of his throwing axes.